My cousin (finally) went home.. YAY! But my dad's still here.. oh well.. Had a chat with a friend of mine.. He asked me why I had so much hatred towards my dad.. Hmm.. good question actually.. I mean, he is my dad after all.. What exactly did he do to make me feel this way?
There was a time when I was crying in college over the prospect of having him 'replaced' by somebody else.. Now I can't even care less about him.. Why?
Maybe it's because I'm bitter.. I have to admit there had been so few sweet childhood memories between me and my dad.. But it didn't seem to bother me up until the divorce.. Only then were his faults magnified to the extent of harbouring resentment.. And even now, as I see him the way he is now, I just can't seem to accept him as part of my life again.. The moment he walked out of the house, I've considered him as an outsider.. Even now when he asks me how my day was or why am I looking so sad, I just think to myself that he should mind his own business..
Am I too unfair? My dad has met so many obstacles in his life since the divorce and that all led him to where he is now.. The only feeling I have for him now is nothing more than pity..
Gosh.. that sounds so mean.. But that's honestly how I feel.. I feel so detached from my own father since the divorce.. Now that he's trying to reconcile with my mother, I don't feel so enthusiastic about it.. My mother has found somebody who's showering her with all the love that my dad never managed to give.. But isn't it cruel to turn our backs when he needs us the most? Nevertheless, we have our reservations about accepting him back into our family.. He hasn't shown that he's a changed man.. so what's the point of having him back?
In the meantime, I'm still not over my ex-boyfriend.. (which is why my dad kept asking why I was so sad).. This is ridiculous.. It's been 10 days since the break up but I still can't get him out of my head.. My consideration to reconcile with him has never been greater.. I even wrote down 2 lists today : why I need him and why I don't.. And guess what? The latter was longer :P Yet I still couldn't shake off the image of him - the way he smiles, the way he laughs, the way he treats me, the way he loves me.. I've been through many break ups before but never as intense as this.. I want to move on so badly but I just can't.. Is all this just a phase or did I really make a significant mistake?
But you know what, sometimes I just feel as if I like to purposely overblow my own problems by rehashing them in my head every few seconds :P
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NHA at 3:42 PM ::
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