Last night around midnight I bumped into my ex online.. He seemed civil.. My friend who was assigned with me to do the league invitation letter joined in our conversation.. We talked about our chess club generally.. I think it's just me but I did sense some underlying hostility.. or maybe sarcasm.. He definitely showed who was the boss..
Meeting him online just shook me.. I didn't expect to see him, much less exchange words with him.. And he wasn't even close to being as perturbed as I was..
So an hour after logging off, I threw my ego (and dignity) out the window by calling his handphone.. I was so sure of getting his voicemail straight away that I panicked when the ringtone rang much longer then it's supposed to.. Yet it didn't last that long.. So I think he must've cancelled my call..
I resigned to the fact that he doesn't want to speak to me ever again.. But there was still this nagging feeling inside me.. I desperately needed some closure.. So after tossing and turning in my bed, at 3am I went downstairs to switch on the computer..
Only to see my dad still awake! (kantoi :P).. But I kept a straight face and went about my business as usual.. And my business was? Writing a somewhat lengthy description of how I was feeling - in an e-mail I intended to send to him.. I wrote that I made a mistake and ***(edited for fear of inducing diabetes)***.. I also added that I didn't expect anything from him.. (I'm a liar).. After reading and re-reading my e-mail, I clicked 'Send'.. Praying to God that a miracle would happen..
I think the REAL reason why I haven't moved on is that I keep thinking that I could always turn back.. I could just sit, grovel, endure momentary humiliation and everything would return to where it was.. After last night, I still endured the humiliation but I don't see myself progressing anywhere but backwards.. It made me realize that some damages are irreversible no matter how confident I was or how hard I try..
I don't know what the outcome of my e-mail would be.. Returning to college tomorrow will be particularly hard for me.. But at least I know firmly in my mind that he is no longer a priority.. My life is..
Tonight is my last night at home for the next few weeks.. I will definitely treasure it :)
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NHA at 2:25 PM ::
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